Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.