ouch
You Might Also Like
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.