Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.