Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

need him

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.