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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Bruh 😂
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time