“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please