Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.