Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

the official breakfast of 2021

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.