Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent