Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.