Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE