Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)