Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Oh thanks BBC.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks