Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

😂

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

This week’s mood.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

dam girl

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.