Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man