Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Just got to our Airbnb!

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

accurate

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.