Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

😂

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

bugs when you lift up a rock

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.