Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

All set.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island