[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Twitter fine art
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
When you’ve simply given up.
these can’t be my only options
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Good morning.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please