Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall