Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK