Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.