Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out