Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
As a doctor, I can confirm
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
We have a winner.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
i’m still crying at this
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy