Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks