[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!