[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
You Might Also Like
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
That’s what I call a flat tire
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.