@ReginaldDennys

Ouija board……”your going to die!”

Me: you’re*

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@joe_binkley

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

@SoVeryBritish

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

@Busocco

I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.

@Kalarlis

my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@coffeeandvinyl1

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

@TheMichaelRock

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

@Pro_Jones_

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*