Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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I’ve had relationships like this
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣