Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
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“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old
You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this
me trying not to do anything stupid on the first date
Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear