@ReginaldDennys

Ouija board……”your going to die!”

Me: you’re*

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@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@Jessdaisy

I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

@Karate_Horse

You can sign up for as many karate classes as you want there is literally no one monitoring this

@sammyrhodes

Here’s a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear