[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me checking my bank balance online.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.