Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

This is me 🤣🤣

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Please vote for people who are attractive

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.