Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

me refusing to leave twitter

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.