Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

Science memes

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business