Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid