[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?