@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

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@joejwest

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

@Xalqee

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

@PetrickSara

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

@chuuew

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

@NeinQuarterly

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”