[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
dead inside
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
They’re called werewolves.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess