Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Proctology is located in A55

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

Like sleeping!

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!