Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Some people were born into their job.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.