Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs