Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Oh boy, $150,000!

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids