Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

🙄😏😂🤣

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

me

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.