Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.