Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.