Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was