Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Alexa turn off the planet
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.