Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
this is the greatest thing ever
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
seriously you guys
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.