Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

I have two kinds of followers

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Drilling for oil is well boring.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.