[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…