Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

All my small talk is done with a car horn.