Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter