Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.