Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.