[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Never forget.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Yup
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone