[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does