Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit