Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Alexa: *deep breath*
Why is no one talking about this?!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.