Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Barbie gone wild
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese