@offbeatoliv: Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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@envydatropic: Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they've had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
@havingafatday: So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he's alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad
@Swishergirl24: I like to drink while I clean and that's how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
@DrakeGatsby: [The Lost World: Jurassic Park] Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.