Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.