Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

This hospital has everything