Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.