Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.