Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Lmfaoooooo
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch