Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

I don’t get marriage

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.