Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
