Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
o shit
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
