Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Des Moines Police having a normal one
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
