Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I saw this ending much differently.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
This is I, Robot all over again
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Inside you there are two wolves
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration