Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Sooo many times…..
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.