Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
😭😭😭
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.