Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
pictures of spider-man
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.