Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.