Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…