Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

If only

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

me and who

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Thank heavens for community notes

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!