Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.