Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I want what they have
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
🦝🔥🦝🔥
it takes so much energy
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.