Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can