Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.