our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
This is I, Robot all over again
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.